Conveying Compassion

Perhaps the most important thing which you must accomplish in your first conversation with the birth mother is to make her feel that you really care about her. You will find this hard to do if you do not really mean it.

Remember, she is a young woman going through a crisis in her life. She does not need anyone to tell her that she really messed things up; she already knows this. She is probably feeling very bad about herself and her circumstances and may even be depressed. She may feel abandoned by her family have no one to turn to.  she is probably afraid and may not know how she is going to pay her bills. She may even be desperate. What she wants to know more than anything is that you really care about her and that you really want to help her. She isn’t looking for you to be her best friend. She just wants you to convince her that you are ready and willing to help her through her crisis.

But she also wants to know that you really want to be parents and that you really want to love and provide for her child.  

A compassionate person is a good listener. Let her complete everything she needs to say. Don’t cut her off because of your agenda for the conversation. Be prepared to ask questions which help her to say what she needs to say. You might ask her if her family is aware of the pregnancy, and if she has anyone to help her. Ask her what her greatest needs are.

Be wise to the fact that some birth mothers may try to get you to pay for things you are not allowed to pay for under the law. There are people who are simply trying to faudulently obtain money, but in my experience these people represent a very small percentage of birth mothers. It is far more likely that a birth mother may simply not understand what is appropriate and be driven by a sense of desperate need. She may see nothing wrong with asking you to make her car payment or pay her telephone bill. You must be able to gently explain to her that you are familiar with satate adoption law and that your attorney has advised you that there are only a few things you are allowed to pay for. You may want to tell her that you will have to check with your attorney, in order to avoid cutting her off.